Renee

and bought myself a laptop today. I got a promo email from Dell and just bought it. I'll be happy when it comes. It will be great to be able to take it around with me and not have to use other people's systems all the time. I'm excited. Sorry Cristina for bogarting your computer. :P

Today was super long, a productive day but a damn long one. It just makes me wish that today was Friday so I could know that I don't have to work tomorrow. I think I'll have a good weekend, I'm looking forward.

Wow, I really need to go eat. I just realized that all I ate today was some oatmeal at like 8. What an ass, I'd yell at someone else for that shit.

I'm rambling here, I guess I really have nothing to say.. or nothing to say here. All of the things I need to talk about I can't. But I do feel pretty good, pretty happy-all things considered.

I never took into account how much this break up would effect other people's lives. I know for some it's a good thing and for some probably it isn't. I'm begining to feel like it really was for the best for things to end. Not in the way they did, but maybe this chapter in my life was supposed to end.. to make room for another when I'm ready. I feel optimistic but yet insecure and a little affraid, but I think I like it. I was, and still am, so used to the known and the safe. It feels good to step out and take some chances, break convention. Follow my heart.. All of this probably makes sense to only a select few who really know what's been going on in my head. Hell I barely know what's going up there sometimes. But my life is changed, it changed quickly and I'm adapting and if feels pretty good to know that it's ok. My life is mine. I love that.

I just drank half a cup of coffee and now my heart is racing and I feel a bit sick. Suddenly caffeine is bothering me. Great. So I have decided to give the stuff up. I'm getting old enough that my body can't take too much abuse without some effects. So good bye coffee.. how i love thee.

For those who still drink the joe.. say hello for me.

I was tired so I headed off to bed at like 9:30, which is really early for me... I was asleep for like a couple of hours when I shot out of bed gasping for air. This lasted what felt like years.. and finally it subsided but I still was having a hard time breathing. I realized when I got this morning that it must have been some kinda of asthma attack. I've never had asthma a day in my life.. but it does run in the family. And to top it all off I have been smoking a bit lately and that has to have triggered this.

So I guess on a good note I now have been scared into quiting smoking only 2 weeks after returning to the old friend. Just as well, I can't afford it and it's gross. Just kinda makes me feel better. But I refuse to die.. not now anway.. dang.

The weekend is upon us and yet my only real plans are laundry and a hair cut. I think I might come into Portland on Sunday. Who's gonna be around that doesn't mind looking at my face.. I won't be smoking, that's a plus. Just remember.. Renee be poor so any fun must be free fun.

http://www.cubeslacker.com/content/view/39/31/

Chuck giveth and then Chuck taketh...

So I've spent sometime recently bitching that I can't find girl pants that I like, in my size. Usually we fat chicks are stuck with either nasty tapered things or elastic waists. No one wants that. So just now I was like.. "you know, I used to love my levis back in the day. I need to see if they carry fatty sizes." so I looked and what do you know.. they carry my size and then some.. in a nice dark color. For 20 bucks I had to order them.

I don't do html so if you care here's the link.

http://levi.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/pLEVI1-2189472p275w.jpg

I've been in dude's pants for too long. It's time for a change. I see people in clothes and I think: "hey, I dig that, but I can't wear it."

What the hell is that..? I wouldn't let someone else get away with that attitude. So why do I have all of this negative self talk? Heck no I say, time to be me not what I used to be. Wish me luck. I'll just become the queen of online ordering. The stores here suck. I have money to spend. So I will spend it in stores that care to cater to my and my needs.. I do represent the size of most americans. So I'll spend a little on shipping, so what?

Nine Inch Nails is coming to the four c's. Just an FYI, tickets go on sale Friday. I'm not really interested but I'm sure some out there are.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or moritified) about what people remember about you.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9048318/

They need to be consistent..

http://www.musicoutfitters.com/topsongs/1983.htm Enter your own birth year.

bold the ones you like.

1. Bette Davis Eyes, Kim Carnes
2. Endless Love, Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
3. Lady, Kenny Rogers
4. (Just Like) Starting Over, John Lennon
5. Jessie's Girl, Rick Springfield
6. Celebration, Kool and The Gang
7. Kiss On My List, Daryl Hall and John Oates
8. I Love A Rainy Night, Eddie Rabbitt
9. 9 To 5, Dolly Parton
10. Keep On Loving You, REO Speedwagon
11. Theme From "Greatest American Hero", Joey Scarbury
12. Morning Train (Nine To Five), Sheena Easton
13. Being With You, Smokey Robinson
14. Queen Of Hearts, Juice Newton
15. Rapture, Blondie
16. A Woman Needs Love, Ray Parker Jr. and Raydio
17. The Tide Is High, Blondie
18. Just The Two Of Us, Grover Washington Jr.
19. Slow Hand, Pointer Sisters
20. I Love You, Climax Blues Band
21. Woman, John Lennon
22. Sukiyaki, A Taste Of Honey
23. The Winner Takes It All, Abba
24. Medley, Stars On 45
25. Angel Of The Morning, Juice Newton
26. Love On The Rocks, Neil Diamond
27. Every Woman In The World, Air Supply
28. The One That You Love, Air Supply
29. Guilty, Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb
30. The Best Of Times, Styx
31. Elvira, Oak Ridge Boys
32. Take It On The Run, REO Speedwagon
33. No Gettin' Over Me, Ronnie Milsap
34. Living Outside Myself, Gino Vannelli
35. Woman In Love, Barbra Streisand
36. Boy From New York City, Manhattan Transfer
37. Urgent, Foreigner
38. Passion, Rod Stewart
39. Lady (You Bring Me Up), Commodores
40. Crying, Don Mclean
41. Hearts, Marty Balin
42. It's My Turn, Diana Ross
43. You Make My Dreams, Daryl Hall and John Oates
44. I Don't Need You, Kenny Rogers
45. How 'Bout Us, Champaign
46. Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Pat Benatar
47. The Breakup Song, Greg Kihn Band
48. Time, Alan Parsons Project
49. Hungry Heart, Bruce Springsteen
50. Sweetheart, Franke and The Knockouts
51. Someone's Knockin', Terri Gibbs
52. More Than I Can Say, Leo Sayer
53. Together, Tierra
54. Too Much Time On My Hands, Styx
55. What Are We Doin' In Love, Dottie West
56. Who's Crying Now, Journey
57. De Do Do Do, De Da Da, Police
58. This Little Girl, Gary U.S. Bonds
59. Stop Draggin' My Heart Around, Stevie Nicks With Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
60. Giving It Up For Your Love, Delbert McClinton
61. A Little In Love, Cliff Richard
62. America, Neil Diamond
63. Ain't Even Done With The Night, John Cougar
64. Arthur's Theme, Christopher Cross
65. Another One Bites The Dust, Queen
66. Games People Play, Alan Parsons Project
67. I Can't Stand It, Eric Clapton
68. While You See A Chance, Steve Winwood
69. Master Blaster, Stevie Wonder
70. Hello Again, Neil Diamond
71. Don't Stand So Close To Me, Police
72. Hey Nineteen, Steely Dan
73. I Ain't Gonna Stand For It, Stevie Wonder
74. All Those Years Ago, George Harrison
75. Step By Step, Eddie Rabbitt
76. The Stroke, Billy Squier
77. Feels So Right, Alabama
78. Sweet Baby, Stanley Clarke and George Duke
79. Same Old Lang Syne, Dan Fogelberg
80. Cool Love, Pablo Cruise
81. Hold On Tight, ELO
82. It's Now Or Never, John Schneider
83. Treat Me Right, Pat Benatar
84. Winning, Santana
85. What Kind Of Fool, Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb
86. Watching The Wheels, John Lennon
87. Tell It Like It Is, Heart
88. Smoky Mountain Rain, Ronnie Milsap
89. I Made It Through The Rain, Barry Manilow
90. You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin', Daryl Hall and John Oates
91. Suddenly, Olivia Newton-John and Cliff Richard
92. For Your Eyes Only, Sheena Easton
93. The Beach Boys Medley, Beach Boys
94. Whip It, Devo
95. Modern Girl, Sheena Easton
96. Really Wanna Know You, Gary Wright
97. Seven Year Ache, Rosanne Cash
98. I'm Coming Out, Diana Ross
99. Miss Sun, Boz Scaggs
100. Time Is Time, Andy Gibb

but I can't sleep. I hate when this happens, I usually sleep so well.. I'm tired but my brain is just a going. Erica and I seem to have decided to move to central Maine when we buy our house in a year or two. We keep changing our minds about what area we want to live in, but I feel fairly confident that this decsion will stick. We seem to have a made more logical and less emtional decision this time. I like that.

I was looking at houses in that area today and man are they cheap. Luckly we are just two so all we really need is two bedrooms and maybe two baths. In all honesty we could afford to buy one now, but I wanna pay off some debt so we can have a good downpayment in a few years and pay some points.. or whatever those are. I'm really excited to have a place of our own, it will be good for us me thinks. Plus to be close to the family will be great, I miss them a lot.

Erica and were talking over breakfast this morning (she was nice enough to take me out, thanks babe) and I was saying that I remember once reading or being told that as you get older you find you best friendships within your family. Now this is not to say that I dont have great friends, coz I do, but I recognize the family bond that can't be duplicated or denied.

On Saturday we went to Camden with my sister and my niece and Nikkiah. It was a nice quiet day and we didn't do much other than hang ot and walk around town. But Erica made the comment that it is nice that even though my sister and I don't seem all that close we can still spend time together with no real purpose and be fine. That's what got me thinking how there are always a certain few people that no matter how long you may go without contact you will always be able to pick up where you left off. My family is like that for me and that makes me happy.. because when Erica and I get there to start our life they will be there.. I am lucky to have the people that I have in my life. I am about to get married, we just got a great place that I plan to stay in until central maine time comes and I have a great set of supportive friends and family. So I'm gonna go force myself to sleep now.. but I love you all. Good night.

What the hell is goin on? Did I get you into trouble? God damn it, and who said something?? That John guy or was it Julia, coz I didn't even see her!

I like titanic.. I died.

http://www.angryalien.com/

I want to help but I can't. They should make a pill for this.

You mess with my baby and I call in the big guns! I love you baby, we'll get this all straightened out. We'll get the rules and make then follow them. Don't need to fret anymore.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8406056/

Asshole. It seems right, and the names of the cafe and the name of the hotel are so fitting. I hope this gets some attention..

FDA set to ban gay men as sperm donors

NEW YORK - To the dismay of gay-rights activists, the Food and Drug Administration is about to implement new rules recommending that any man who has engaged in homosexual sex in the previous five years be barred from serving as an anonymous sperm donor.

The FDA has rejected calls to scrap the provision, insisting that gay men collectively pose a higher-than-average risk of carrying the AIDS virus. Critics accuse the FDA of stigmatizing all gay men rather than adopting a screening process that focuses on high-risk sexual behavior by any would-be donor, gay or straight.

“Under these rules, a heterosexual man who had unprotected sex with HIV-positive prostitutes would be OK as a donor one year later, but a gay man in a monogamous, safe-sex relationship is not OK unless he’s been celibate for five years,” said Leland Traiman, director of a clinic in Alameda, Calif., that seeks gay sperm donors.

Traiman said adequate safety assurances can be provided by testing a sperm donor at the time of the initial donation, then freezing the sperm for a six-month quarantine and testing the donor again to be sure there is no new sign of HIV or other infectious diseases.

Although there is disagreement over whether the FDA guideline regarding gay men will have the force of law, most doctors and clinics are expected to observe it.

'A policy based on bigotry'

The practical effect of the provision — part of a broader set of cell and tissue donation regulations that take effect May 25 — is hard to gauge. It is likely to affect some lesbian couples who want a child and prefer to use a gay man’s sperm for artificial insemination.

But it is the provision’s symbolic aspect that particularly troubles gay-rights groups. Kevin Cathcart, executive director of Lambda Legal, has called it “policy based on bigotry.”

“The part I find most offensive — and a little frightening — is that it isn’t based on good science,” Cathcart said. “There’s a steadily increasing trend of heterosexual transmission of HIV, and yet the FDA still has this notion that you protect people by putting gay men out of the pool.”

In a letter to the FDA, Lambda Legal has suggested a screening procedure based on sexual behavior, not sexual orientation. Prospective donors — gay or straight — would be rejected if they had engaged in unprotected sex in the previous 12 months with an HIV-positive person, an illegal drug user, or “an individual of unknown HIV status outside of a monogamous relationship.”

But an FDA spokeswoman cited FDA documents suggesting that officials felt the broader exclusion was prudent even if it affected gay men who practice safe sex.

“The FDA is very much aware that strict exclusion policies eliminate some safe donors,” said one document.

'You can't be too careful'

Many doctors and fertility clinics already have been rejecting gay sperm donors, citing the pending FDA rules or existing regulations of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine.

“With an anonymous sperm donor, you can’t be too careful,” said a society spokeswoman, Eleanor Nicoll. “Our concern is for the health of the recipient, not to let more and more people be sperm donors.”

However, some sperm banks, notably in California, have welcomed gay donors. The director of one of them, Alice Ruby of the Oakland-based Sperm Bank of California, said her staff had developed procedures for identifying gay men with an acceptably low risk of HIV.

Gay men are a major donor source at Traiman’s Rainbow Flag sperm bank, and he said that practice would continue despite the new rules.

“We’re going to continue to follow judicious, careful testing procedures for our clients that even experts within the FDA say is safe,” said Traiman, referring to the six-month quarantine.

'Directed' gay sperm donors OK

The FDA rules do not prohibit gay men from serving as “directed” sperm donors. If a woman wishing to become pregnant knows a gay man and asks that he provide sperm for artificial insemination, a clinic could provide that service even if the man had engaged in sex with other men within five years.

However, Traiman said some lesbian couples do not have a gay friend they know and trust well enough to be the biological father of their child, and would thus prefer an anonymous donor.

Dr. Deborah Cohan, an obstetrics and gynecology instructor at the University of California, San Francisco, said some lesbians prefer to receive sperm from a gay donor because they feel such a man would be more receptive to the concept of a family headed by a same-sex couple.

“This rule will make things legally more difficult for them,” she said. “I can’t think of a scientifically valid reason — it has to be an issue of discrimination.”



I hate our freaking government sometimes... *sigh*

but one of Tina's friends posted this as a response to her need for frequent change. It made me realize that I truly am a content person. Call me simple, but if I have love, a place to sleep, family support, some grub, friends and the occasional laugh I can suffer through anything knowing I have those things. I guess that's why I can work in a place I find boring and why I can do repetitive things.. I like to keep it simple and recognize what I have.

con•tent 2 (k n-t nt )
adj.
1. Desiring no more than what one has; satisfied.
2. Ready to accept or acquiesce; willing: She was content to step down after four years as chief executive.
tr.v. con•tent•ed, con•tent•ing, con•tents


Maybe it's not such a good thing but, I feel that it really is.. at least right now, for me.